Hi

Hi back to you. I wish I could say more than that like Hi, how have you been doing? How's your family? Where are you staying right now? Are you back in your house at Yew Tee? Congrats on your ORD. I know you've been waiting for this very day. I wish I was there to see you and Arvin. So what are going to do after this?

But then again, I always believe that everything happens for a reason. I trust in Him. I'm doing so much better when dealing with my feelings about you. I do dream of you sometimes. Not that I wish to dream of you. It just happened. Weirdly, I felt that the dreams about you has a meaning behind it but nah I don't want to look into it. I don't want to mess up with my head and my heart.

If I look deeply into our past, I could have hated you with all my heart but no. I still love you cause you're very special to me. If someone believe me, they would be as in love with you as I am.

If I could write you a letter,

Sometimes I don’t know what to do with you. All I am certain is that you are not here and I’m not there.

We are walking two very different paths but I am, at times, overcome with the desire to run towards the direction of you, hoping you would welcome me with a smile I so very love. But I know you won’t and the sadder thing is that I have absolutely no idea where you are in life.

I very much wish to delete you from everything I own, including my soul, but isn’t it too late for that? All has faded away like our last breaths like all other sunrises and sunsets.

I can’t find you but the worse thing is,
you don’t want to be found anyways.

CHANGE IS CONSTANT

I have this sudden urge to blog so here I am. I was wondering about life, thinking about the misery of mine and the others. I used to be like them. Having this sad feeling for no apparent reason. I used to always feel that way until I realized that there are reasons underneath all those sadness. To sum up all the reasons, I wasn't happy with my life and I didn't love myself enough.

Well, I actually used to always feel that way until M came into my life and made me realized all those reasons. He made me love and live again. Though it was kind of hard when he left, I still manage to survive up till now. Having fun and living my life the way I want it. This life used to be a way of proving to him that I can match up with his lifestyle but I got over it. Now, it's just me against the world. Trying to fight for my freedom.

I may not know him that long but he changed my life a lot. The change can be for the better but it can also be for the worst but still, change is change. Change is constant and life is a learning experience. You learn from your mistakes and the changes that you went through.

I couldn't make it this far if it weren't for my bitches. They are always there for me.

xx,

S

Dear Muzhaffar,

I did stupid thing that night that I could never forgive myself and it was never my intention to make you feel jealous. It bothers me that it bothers you. There are so many things I wish I could say to you but I can't. I guess some things are better left unsaid.

I got to know a few guys before you but you're the guy that managed to capture my heart and that's why you're very special. I don't let my guards down easily, Muz. You know that damn well. That day when I waited outside your house for 2 hours made me realised how much I don't matter to you anymore and that was the last straw for me.

Maybe someday you'll love a girl so much just like how much I love you right now and then you'll understand how I feel. I'm not that kind of evil ex that will wish karma will hit you back. You know I'd never do anything to hurt you. I love you so much that it hurts. But eventually I'll have to let go of the things that hurt me cause I want to be happy and enjoying my life without even looking back into the past and thinking about what could have been. So here I am, letting go of our past.

You once said to me that you lost a lot of people you love or people that matters to you this year. I hope that in the future you'll fight for the things and people you love and don't just run away from your problems. Be a man, do the right things.

I wish you all the best in life, Muzhaffar.

xx,

S

DEAR ASSHOLE,

I've never met anyone in life as mean and horrible as you. You're a fucking two face asshole. It's either your ego is too high to prove to your bunk mates you are a fucking player or maybe, just maybe, you really mean those words you said to me. Maybe not the latter. You're still a fucking player to me. You fuckface, dickhead, waste of semen, go and die.

HATE,

S